This is a structured plan to help autistic people tear down their mask and slowly rediscover who they are and then design a life around it
Read Understanding Autism Through The Lens of Social Anxiety for context
Phase 0: Understand Your Brain and Your Context
- Learn about the science behind autism, monotrophism, and masking (books, articles, autistic creators)
- through that process, understand and write down your needs in different situations (imp for phase 1).
- Realizing the root problem is the unaccommodating environment/society
- Understand the societal effects it has on you
- realizing moments of Internalized Ableism (“I’m too much”, “I’m a burden”, “I should be more ‘normal’“)
Phase 1: Find Safe Spaces and Trusted People First
- Intentionally open up & try to unmask around people you trust about your needs (from phase 0). e.g. “I get overwhelmed by the music you play in the car, could we turn it down or off?”
- join neurodivergent communities where your traits are more normalized and celebrated
- write down the different environments (both area and people) that make you feel
- safe to unmask, or
- not so much, or
- not at all
Phase 2: Journal Your Masking Behaviors
- For a week or two, log moments that feel “performed”: forcing eye contact, laughing when you don’t find something funny, rehearsing texts, copying tone/expressions. Then create a 4 column table:
- Masking behavior (“suppressing stimming”)
- Trigger (“my parents complaining about…”)
- Cost (“exhaustion”, “shutdown”, “irritable”)
- Authentic alternative (“stating my opinion while having the support of someone else”, “having a fidget toy”)
Phase 3: Tiny Unmasking Experiments
- gradually start picking up one masking behavior at a time and work on replacing it with an authentic alternative
- set a micro-goal: “In my next chat with X, I’ll allow myself to express and share about my deep interests”
- Afterward, reflect:
- Did anything bad actually happen?
- How did my body feel (more tense or more relaxed)?
- How did the other person respond?
- If you’re not sure of how they reacted, consult a trusted friend or family member
Phase 4: Set Boundaries & Protect Energy
- Goal here is to reduce how often you have to mask by saying “no” more clearly
- Define social and sensory limits: maximum number of social events per week, maximum length of social interactions/calls/meetings, acceptable environments (lighting, noise), and times you need solitude
- Practice simple boundary scripts, for example:
- “I can’t stay longer, I’m tired and need to rest”
- “I prefer texting instead of phone calls”
- “Loud places are hard for me, can we meet somewhere quieter?”
Phase 5: Strategic Masking (Energy Budgeting)
- Goal here is to choose where & when to mask on purpose
- Basically energy budgeting because masking is exhausting but sometimes essential. So you pick specific behaviors and situations where you NEED to mask (job interviews)
- Designate mask-free zones (home, specific people) where you commit to acting as naturally as possible
- Regularly check in: “Where am I masking that I actually don’t need to? What could I safely drop next?”
Phase 6: Rebuild Identity Around Your Monotropic Self
- Goal here is to leverage the new-found energy and self-discovery into finding and building around your “laser beam”
- explore what genuinely pulls you in when nobody is watching. Environments that make you feel most “you”
- Allow yourself to lean into special interests without shaming them as “too much.” research shows these often become long-term strengths and even career directions
- In the article, I relate this process to self-actualization and finding your purpose
Phase 7: Sharpen the Saw
- regular self-checkins
- continue leaning into your monotropic self
- keep actively looking for ways to thrive in a society not built for you: better environments, better roles, better routines
- Stay connected with more neurodivergent people who understand you and whom you understand. Peer support and autistic community are some of the strongest protective factors against burnout and isolation
Assumptions
A list of things that I’m assuming for the plan to work
- phase 1: You have access to safe spaces/people you trust & care about you
- phase 2: You can accurately identify/log masking
- tiny experiments won’t trigger meltdowns
- you have enough energy, motivation, and discipline to follow the plan
- phase 4: society/your relationships will tolerate and support your boundaries
- phase 6: rediscovery (of your laser beam interest) happens naturally
Doubts (assuming the plan is valid)
- What’s the proportion of people with Autism who would actually be able to find value and follow through with this plan?
- Having the discipline to follow this is very hard. There are several ways to reduce that friction to following that plan that could include things like accountability with others. This is also where the power of community helps
- is community or mentorship support necessary for this to work? Or can a good chunk of people on the spectrum be able to follow this plan?
- Would a dedicated mobile app that streamlines the process and reduces the friction help?
- will the self-assessments be distorted? Are therapists needed to offer a fresh, unbiased perspective?