published on substack: https://open.substack.com/pub/ramimaalouf/p/understanding-autism-through-the
subtitle: A deep dive into my journey of learning about autism and exploring solutions for the complex societal problem it introduces
Context
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been deeply interested in how people with autism think and process the world around them. It has been eye-opening to say the least. I strongly believe that we should all take at least 30 minutes of our lives to understand what people with autism go through and how we can accommodate for it.
Over the course of my research, I was able to understand what they’re facing, but it wasn’t very easy to get a grasp on a lot of what they’re experiencing in their day-to-day lives, mainly because their brains are just wired differently. So there will always be this disconnect that is very hard to grasp. Especially because of how diverse the spectrum is as I mention in trying to understand autism
But if there is one thing I would be able to deeply understand or relate to at the very least, it would be the problem of masking in social situations because I see a lot of overlap between masking and what socially anxious people do (for context: I was never diagnosed but back in middle + high school I had most of the symptoms and it crippled my social life back then). So this is my attempt to bridge the understanding of autism through a more common experience lived by a lot of us: social anxiety.
What are the similarities and differences between social anxiety and masking
I’ve learned that one common trait among autistic individuals and people with social anxiety is people-pleasing and fawning, which falls under the criteria of masking. We both find it difficult to express our real opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Back in middle school, people would mock me or express incorrect facts, and while most people would oppose or speak up against that, I didn’t have the self-value or courage to defend myself or my opinions (I didn’t have many because I was EXTREMELY agreeable) so I conformed.
When I looked at the perspective of people on the spectrum and their experience with masking, I thought at first that the core reason is still the same: self-value & self-esteem. But that initial assumption was incomplete. For many neurodivergent people, masking isn’t just about low self-esteem; it’s a survival strategy. They grow up in a world that often punishes their natural behaviors (like stimming or being direct) as ‘weird’ or ‘rude.’ Masking is the armor they put on to avoid being mocked or excluded. The problem isn’t that they are less valuable; it’s that society often fails to see their value because it’s expressed in a different ‘language.’ This creates a heavy burden of internalized ableism, where they start to believe the world’s incorrect assessment of them. On the other hand, the root of social anxiety is usually driven by a distorted belief that one is being judged or is inferior.
While the roots (The Why) of social anxiety and autistic masking differ, they share a tragic common ground: the erosion of self-value. Every time a person successfully masks or hides their anxiety to “fit in,” they receive a “reward” (acceptance) for a person that doesn’t actually exist. This is a poison for self-value. It reinforces the belief that: “I am only allowed to be here as long as I keep the real me hidden.”
If you are socially anxious, you hide your personality to avoid rejection. If you are autistic, you hide your “traits” to avoid exclusion. When we feel we must perform to be accepted, we inadvertently tell ourselves that our true nature is a defect. Whether it’s driven by anxiety or neurobiology, the cost of the mask is a soul-crushing disconnect from one’s own worth (so yes, in the end it does affect self-worth for both individuals)
In addition to that, the real-time effects it has on us have a lot of overlap: Socially anxious people overthink what to say to avoid embarrassment. Autistic people manually calculate the “appropriate response.” both results in preferring not to speak, and when they speak, they take so long to answer and sometimes sound scripted.
Here’s what happens in social situations in real-time:
- The Socially Anxious person is surveilling for threats (Is that person judging me? Did I just sound stupid?)
- The Autistic person is surveilling for rules (How long have I been making eye contact? Is it my turn to speak? What should my face be doing right now?)
- They both prepare ‘templates’ for conversations because generating a response in real-time is emotionally draining and ‘risky’
What helped me overcome social anxiety and can that also help autists with their masking?
So now let’s talk about solutions. What could be a potential solution for this? In my case, I struggled with social anxiety, and my solution was a mix of 2 things:
The first thing was finding a purpose just as the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” discusses. The premise of the book is that you can’t not give a f*uck about anything. We are wired to give a f*ck about SOMETHING. Here is the twist. If you’re not able to get yourself to give a f*ck about something big, meaningful, that transcends your life and time and everything, you will, by default, give a f*ck about all these tiny, unimportant things around you, which includes people’s opinions of you for e.g. In other words, you have to care about something big to be able to not care about all the small things. This can be manifested in so many different ways. The only 2 things to keep in mind is that 1. it has to be something that you can do or be forever and 2. it has to be intrinsic in nature. Mark Manson’s book is a good start if you suffer from social anxiety. Simon Sinek’s books like “Find Your Why” is also a good option. Anyways, back to the point.
2nd one was to feel more valuable. I learned new things, educated myself, and increased my self-worth by accomplishing things and keeping a list of achievements that backed me up and gave me confidence. That was essentially what improved my self-esteem/self-worth and reduced the social anxiety traits that I possessed. It could be different for others, but that was the first thing that worked for me. So for me, it was mainly these two things: valuing myself and finding a purpose.
Can these solutions also help people with autism?
This is where it gets complicated. For me, “achievement” was a ladder I could see and climb. But for many autistic people, the world’s definition of ‘achievement’ is built for neurotypical brains
It’s not that they lack the capacity to be valuable; it’s that they are perpetually mismatched with what society expects. If the “game” of life is rigged toward social climbing, networking, and “well-roundedness,” an autistic person with a “spiky profile” (e.g. someone who is a genius at coding but struggles to make eye contact) is playing a game with different rules. From their perspective, they might feel like they will always be “less than” because they are being measured by a yardstick that wasn’t made for them.
Some people spend decades in speech therapy to “match” the skill level of others, but that is exhausting and, for many, totally unrealistic.
Regarding the first option: For someone with social anxiety, the barrier is often internal (fear of judgment). For someone who is autistic, the barrier is often external (a world not built for them)
The Power of Purpose (when paired with Monotropism)
I truly believe that finding a purpose helps autistic people just as much as it helped me, but for a completely different biological reason.
In my research, I came across a concept called Monotropism. Essentially, while a neurotypical brain is like a lantern (scattering light (attention) across many things at once) an autistic brain is like a laser beam. It pulls all its energy into one single point of focus. This is called a “monotropic” flow state.
When an autistic person finds a hook (an interest or a mission), they build a massive amount of mental inertia. They don’t just like a topic; they enter a “gravity well” of focus where they can achieve incredible proficiency.
This is where the solution lies. If you have social anxiety, your purpose helps you ignore the critics. If you are autistic, your purpose (your “laser beam”) is your greatest strength. But there’s a catch: the transition cost. The video I watched compared using an autistic brain for small, trivial social tasks like small-talk to using a Formula 1 racing car to go buy milk. It’s expensive, it’s inefficient, and it causes a breakdown. When society forces an autistic person to “multitask” or “socialize casually,” they are forcing that F1 car to drive over speed bumps in a school zone. It leads to burnout and more masking.
The Real Solution: Lifestyle Design over “Fixing”
If you’re socially anxious, you fix the internal fear. But if you’re autistic, you don’t “fix” the brain; you redesign the life around the laser beam. one way to achieve that is through leaning into the Obsession. Instead of masking their “weird” interests to fit in, the goal should be to use that interest as a way to discover their purpose
If the solution is to lean into the “laser beam”/purpose and redesign our lives around it, why don’t more autistic people just do it? Why is the gap between surviving and thriving so hard to cross? From my perspective, it’s 2 main reasons:
1. Lost identity
In my experience with social anxiety, I had a hunch/gut feeling of who I was deep down, but I was just too afraid to show it. However, for many autistic people, years of high-level masking creates a much deeper roadblock. If you spend every waking hour monitoring your facial expressions, scripting your “hello”s and suppressing your natural urges to move or speak directly, you eventually lose the signal of your own intuition.
Masking is a thief of self-knowledge. To find a deep, powerful Purpose, you have to know what actually excites you. But if you’ve been taught that your natural interests are “weird” or “obsessive” you learn to ignore those internal sparks. The roadblock is that the real self has been buried so deep that the individual doesn’t even know which way to point their laser beam anymore. Self-actualization is impossible if you’ve been trained to believe your actual self is a defect.
2. The Fear of Being “High Maintenance”
The second roadblock is the terrifying cost of Lifestyle Design. To truly accommodate a monotropic brain, you have to be willing to look “inefficient” to the rest of the world.
Remember the F1 car analogy? To reach a state of being able to do actual good, meaningful work, an autistic person needs to stop switching lanes and trying to drive in the school zone. They need long stretches of uninterrupted time, and the freedom to unwind in a manner that aligns with their needs.
But society tells us that being a well-rounded worker who can jump from a meeting, to an email, to a phone call is the only way to be valuable. To be adaptive to any environment. The roadblock here is the internalized ableism that says: “I don’t deserve to work differently. If I ask for these accommodations, I am being a burden.” For the socially anxious person, the fear is: “They will think I’m stupid.” For the autistic person, the fear is: “They will realize I’m too expensive to maintain.”
From Survival to Self-Actualization
I’d love to live in a world where people on the spectrum can contribute to society in ways that is accommodating to their strengths, needs, and ways of thinking
When we talk about “accommodations,” we usually think of ramps or noise-canceling headphones. But one of the most powerful accommodation we can offer and that autistic people can offer themselves is the permission to be specialized.
If you are socially anxious, your path to freedom might be realizing you’re allowed to be seen. If you are autistic, your path to freedom might be realizing you are allowed to be intense.
Conclusion
Society bears the primary responsibility here. It starts with knowledge & awareness but it doesn’t end there. We need real accommodations like the one’s we discussed here.
But that unfortunately will take quite a while to achieve. So I started looking for the best ways for autistic individuals to thrive in a world that isn’t accommodating.
So I created this roadmap called Project Unmasking, a practical plan to reclaim your identity and redesign your life around your laser beam
if you’re on this spectrum or curious about this space, I’d love for you to check it out and let me know your thoughts. it’s still very raw but it could be a starting point to something big… like very big… maybe… I’ll let you be the judge of that… goodbye :)